November 16, 2012

The Fight

"Fairy tale does not deny the existence of sorrow and failure: 
the possibility of these is necessary to the joy of deliverance. 
It denies (in the face of much evidence, if you will) universal final defeat...
giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy; Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien

The house is quiet. Millie is sound asleep, and Sky is at work. The afternoon light is flowing in through the blinds, and dinner is simmering in the crock pot. This is the perfect time to sit down and write, but the words aren't any more ready than they have been these past few weeks. I haven't wanted to type out angry sentences that do no one any good, but I wanted to try to explain my life right now.

I've spent so much time searching for truth lately. And here's mine-I think marriage is hard-should be hard- but not this hard, this constant amount of fight and struggle. I think there should be some moments in life to sit back and rest, to look over your life with joy and feel that satisfaction of being right where you're supposed to be. I think between trials, there should be some sweetness and celebration of what you've overcome.

I thought Sky and I had overcome so much, when the reality is that we are back to where we started. Last time, there were so many tears, I didn't think I could cry any more for the rest of my life. And maybe I was right. Because this time, there are no tears- not even the rollercoaster of pregnancy has started them flowing. Last time we went through all of this, I was heartbroken. This time, I am angry. So angry.

It's the last time I will fight. I've already said the future is totally in his hands, because I have no energy left. All feelings of love or togetherness have faded into oblivion, but that's not why I'm out of fight. I can't do this over and over because my heart can't take it. Because I refuse for Millie to have this as an example of how a man treats her mama, or how someone should treat her someday. Because I am not worth much in this great big world, but I am worth at least a little. I am worth the vows spoken to me. I am worth honesty. I am worth fidelity.

So now, we start again. But not how we started again last time, with hope for the future and a slow rebuilding of everything we had. It's like a fire completely razed everything we had. It's not coming back. It's not being cleaned and remolded and painted over. It's gone, and we'll have to make something from the dust we stand in.

I'll be honest- I am not hopeful. I no longer look at old couples holding hands and fast forward to what we'll be like together when we're 80. It seems so far-fetched now. I look at my sparkling ring, which symbolized so much promise, and wonder why I didn't just wear the $50 band I had in the first place. I look at our plans and dreams as if someone is forecasting the weather for a thousand years down the road. It just seems silly.

That's where we are now. Neither of us having given up altogether, and no yelling or screaming...just quiet. Just waiting. And all we can do is wonder if that is enough.

22 kind comments from you:

Jen said...

I am keeping you in my prayers!! Hugs my friend. :(

Michelle said...

I've been thinking of you and praying for you often. You are worth SO MUCH more. You do deserve all those things. You just do whatever is best for you, Millie, and the baby and know you are loved and supported by your friends.

Marcella{The Life of a Military Family} said...

You may think I'm crazy cuz you don't really know me, but I couldn't sleep last night and you came into mind. I prayed for you and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing people are feeling for you. Thinking of you!

Mrs. Nix said...

This makes me so sad. I've been there, as you know, and this must be the hardest time of all for you with a new member on the way. Let me know if you need anything. xoxo

The New Normal said...

I've been thinking about you a lot. And praying for you. You are worth A LOT in this world, don't ever doubt that. Hugs to you and prayers for peace, my friend.

Mrs.B said...

Still praying every night for you.

You are worth a lot. You're an amazing mommy and woman. I really hope the best for you, Millie, and that baby in your tummy.

No Model Lady said...

I think you are brave. You are strong and intelligent and after reading this it is clear to me that you are most definitely brave. In my first marriage every time he disappointed or disrespected me I would think, "I deserve better". It wasn't until I actually believed those words that I was able to walk away and start living my life for myself and for my son. There is only so much you can sacrifice before it becomes something less noble and more self defeating. I advocate for marriage but more than that I advocate happiness and if you can't have one with the other, choose happiness.

Chantal said...

Wow. I'm so sorry you have to go through something so tough. I can only imagine! Keep strong and follow your gut.

Warrior Wife said...

You are a bright, resilient, and giving mother. You do more with your "little" life than the richest man in town does with his. If Skye isn't being a man of honor, it has nothing to do with you. You gave your blood to build your marriage back. You gave him trust. Clearly, there is nothing you could have done to make him "better." I do not have a family unit so I have no idea what it's like to have kids in a situation like yours. (And you are not alone, it unfortunately happens everyday.) but you right about setting an example for your kids. My mom did not set a good example for me, and it took me many years of adulthood to figure out what I was worth. You're worth more than a little. You're worth quite a bit. Just ask your little girl (who is so cute, and I hope I one day have a kid as smart and as cute as yours.)

Deanna said...

Praying for you my friend. Wish I could be there for you right now. (hugs)

Erinn said...

I believe that people make mistakes and while it's not ok, it can be worked out. HOWEVER, if one does not learn from their mistakes they are doomed to repeat them and that is not something that can be worked out (in my opinion). I don't know, I believe that marriage is forever but that ideology doesn't work if both people aren't willing to make permanent changes. Everyone knows marriage is tough but that doesn't mean we don't deserve happiness, joy and love. So I'm with everyone who says you deserve the very best and hopefully you can make the decision that give you, Millie and baby the best chance possible at the very best. <3

Alissa said...

Praying for God to heal your marriage and your hearts. So sorry for your heartache.

Holly Robertson said...

You are worth So So much. And there is a way to move forward. Remember there are beautiful flowers that can bloom only after a fire has burned every thing to dust. They bloom and fill the scar with light, color and fragrance. I'm just a skip away if you need anything. Fill your home with light and positivity. Move forward as if you mean to go on. He will either stop being an asshat or he wont.

Jane said...

First off, I'm sorry I haven't emailed you back yet. It's been a little crazy around here and my email inbox is over 100. I'm sorry. I did want to pop in here and say I'm still thinking about you, Millie and baby. You are worth so much more than having your life and vows trampled over as though they mean nothing. You're a smart, beautiful, driven, incredible woman, mom and wife. You deserve to be treated like that and treasured. I do believe people make stupid, horrible mistakes but only you can decide when it stops being a mistake and starts being a pattern. I hope for a happy ending but the truth is, no matter what the ending is it'll be a happy one because you are such an incredible woman. Either he will become the man you deserve or you'll start a new life that is what you deserve.

Poekitten said...

I'm sorry to hear this my friend. I agree with the other ladies, you are worth a lot. And you do deserve fidelity and honesty and love. I'll be praying.

Sarah Shaffer said...

Hang in there friend. Sometimes marriage sucks, and I know I've shared your feelings at times. I will pray--you and Sky and Millie are in my thoughts often. I can't claim to know what the best is, but I know God wants it for all of you, even more than you do. Thank you for being honest. xoxo

Karen said...

Sending love and prayers your way. Wish I lived closer so we could go for coffee and I could give you a hug - you are worth so much, don't ever forget that, okay?

Fran said...

You deserve the very best, my friend. As Erinn, says people make mistakes and part of life is learning from those mistakes, forgiving mistakes, moving on from those mistakes. But you're worth honesty, you're worth unconditional love, you're worth fighting for. And so is Millie, and so is baby bee. You are all worth that and much, much more.

If you ever need to talk about this, or the weather, or some stupid TV show or need anything, you let me know. I'll be mad if I find out you needed something, and I could've helped and didn't let me know. Mkay? Glad we could clarify that. <3

Sue said...

I'm so sad for you as I read this. You deserve so much more. You are a wonderful person and a fantastic mother. I know you'll make the best decision you can for you and your children, no matter what it may be. Lots of love to you sweetheart.

Brittany Sommer said...

This post totally broke my heart. You deserve only good things.

Steph said...

I agree with everyone else. You are worth a lot. I'll be thinking of you. I'm just an email and a couple mile markers away if you need anything.

beka said...

my heart hurts for you in this....i'm so sorry. you deserve better. and you *are* worth so much!! <3 i'll be praying...

Post a Comment